I Stood Alone

Tonight I stood on a stage and heard my name bellowed out from the dark. The audience already on their feet and clapping. Tonight I cried on stage. It may have only been a private gig, a small gig but I never felt more alone and more surrounded at the same time. I dont want to ever think again that I am not doing this right.

I am not ashamed to admit I suffer from stage fright. I have sickness swelling in the pit of my belly as the time to take to the stage draws closer. I feel butterflies that would dwarf an albatross in my stomach. I know this means only that I care about what I am about to do on stage but it makes it no less more daunting to step on to it. I put myself under this pressure, no one else does. I choose to perform. No one made me. This is my own doing.

I am not curing cancer, nor resolving the world’s issues. I am merely entertaining. A simple and yet complex thing in equal measure. I want to ensure I fulfill my contract as a performer and entertainer but also come off stage feeling like I did good. I want the audience to enjoy themselves, to go away knowing I did my best. Whilst I can not please everyone, I want to them to know I gave it my all doing so.

So tonight standing on stage, alone with the faint heat of the stage lights beaming down on me against the black curtain and my attempts to catch my breath, I felt that feeling. The feeling I did good. The roar of the audience loud in my ears and somehow I was alone and yet in a crowd all at once.

I have my times of self doubt. Be that because I wonder if I am boasting about my work enough, am I marketable enough or is my performance relevant. It was here that I realised no matter how many selfies I post,or behind the scenes photos it is here alone that counts. That noise of your audience in appreciation is worth all the bookings in the world. It does not matter if you are preformer for 40 or 400. Its how they react.

Dont let those seeds of doubt enter your mind. Its not about how you do it, why you do it or what you do. Its about them: the audience. They make you the you you are on stage. Take those moments of appreciation and remember them. In those dark moments of stage fright and self doubt, recall the memories and rejoice in the heat of the stage lights. You earnt it.