When I first opened my heart and bared it to the world back in November, I was a broken woman. I was destroyed. A man I had loved turned out to be nothing more than a facade that hid the darkness. I walked out on him and started the hard and painful rebuilding of my life and world. I have finally felt heart break in all its gut wrenching, soul destroying depths. I cried till my eyes dried out. I sobbed until the skin on my cheeks cracked. I was abused verbally and emotionally. I have however come out the other side, and when I look back, I dont recognise that woman I once was.
I stand now looking at myself differently. I have finally got myself a little place to live with my beloved pup Elvis Houdini (the best thing from that relationship), a job that is fabulous and burlesque related of sorts, and dare I say it: dating again. I am throwing myself into my photography and any whim that takes me. I am travelling more than ever and loving each step I take.
I have never been happier. Whilst I may not have a steady partner right now, I realise that being happy does not mean having this. I have something else. Something more important to me. I have a new sense of self and confidence. Before I would have been scared to go into a club alone, to ask a boy/girl out for a drink, or admit my mistakes. Now I am strutting like the world is mine to conqueror and I am ready to do it.
No matter how horrible this journey has been at times, I have saved myself from what was destined to be a miserable life. I have had amazing friends holding my hand and pushing me in the right directions. So here are my thank yous:
- Big S. My saviour. My hero and my best friend in the world. You may not do the small talk but your harsh view of the world taught me to man up.
- Ros and Nick. Never have I been so blown away by people so generous with their time, their wisdom and their love.
- Hayley. You dork.
- Sara. My wifey. Despite all the craziness in your own life, you held my hand. I love you.
- Nils. My doofus. You know the love is there. 🙂
- Verity and Dave. Lifted me up when I was drowning in the dark places.
- Tony. My partner in heartache.
- Courtney. Smiles you bring and love you share.
- My boys (Mark, Stuart, Paulie, Paul, Neil, Tom, Marcus, Mike, Smudge and Luke). Where would I be without you?! You took me to the beach to dance in the waves. You put stars on my ceiling so I knew where was home.
- Mona. You sent me smut. It made me smile even when I was crying.
- Lily. You are mental. Though you are new to the fold, your worth is deep.
- Mark and Sarah. I am eternally grateful for the moments you share with me and the love you show me.
- Chris and Laura. You always bring my smiles and the tea cups.
- Lynn. Helped mend the broken seams.
- Graeme. Sees underneath the chaos and always does.
- Everyone else who sent love and smut to me.
Being a fictitious character (yep…Khandie Khisses isnt my real name) means that when you are hurting, its not always appropriate to share. I took the concious decision to keep it as private as I could. Yes, there was the odd out burst here and there but on the whole I did keep it that way. Only my close friends know the depths of pain I was put through but I can stand here now and say I am done hurting. I am done. I have a whole new life and it is more fantastic than I could imagine. This is not said with whimsical fantasy. I mean it. I have sang at Abbey Road studios, danced in the storms, partied with some of my idols and so much more.
It would be so easy to close this post with that overused and somewhat staple catch phrase in the burlesque world ‘ I am working on new acts so watch this space’. Whilst I am creating new acts, I am also creating a new path in life. I would rather you watched me on stage rocking it than simply a ‘space’. I am not sure where I am going or where I will end up but I do know I dont want to go back. I like this slightly wonky, bumpy path I am treading. I am finally seeing the world that I had allowed to pass me by as I stood holding hands with a man who wasnt meant for me. I am glad I let go of his hand, and walked away from a something that wasnt meant to be. To step into the unknown and face heart break in full force. I am a changed woman. I am something new. I am happy.
