Fat or Thin – I cant win

I have lost weight recently. I say recently I mean since November 3rd. I know the exact date as it was the day I broke my heart. I walked out on a bad (yes lets use that word….) relationship and suddenly like with so many things involving the heart, things just stopped. I lost my appetite, I lost myself in the self pity and more tragically I lost sight of what I was doing.

Walking away rendered myself instantly homeless and this wasnt something I had thought of before hand. I just knew I had to walk away. So I did. I ended up dossing in a mate’s spare room and walllowing in all the crap I had allowed to build up on me. My weight loss started almost instantly with me even forgetting to drink so when suddenly I opened my mouth and my lips split I knew I needed to get things sorted. I think appetite suppression is something we sort of all do when our minds are otherwise engaged. It wasnt until other people started to comment (All positive might I add) that I became aware of the weight loss. Suddenly I had something positive to focus on. I felt like all the pain and misery was doing some good. But still my appetite didnt return. I forced myself to eat and gradually I was eating a fairly healthy if modest diet of one main meal and healthy snacks before and after. I started to exercise more and found this eased my heart ache but still I felt awkward.

As the weight fell away, the more awkward I felt. It dawned on me that I had used my ‘fat’ to hide behind, put up a front. I was always the first to call myself the chubby girl, the fatty etc. Yet I hated if others referred to themselves as such. I always told them ‘ dont criticise yourself, as it invites others to do it also’, yet here was I doing it myself. I hated anyone else putting themselves down, yet readily and unprompted did it myself.

I wrote to one of my idols once, a certain Ms Martini to ask for her advise on being the big girl on the bill and as ever, she came through. Her words lifted me up and made me feel better. I realised that I shouldnt see being bigger negatively. It was just another way to stand out and should be embraced. I started to embrace my body shape more but still I lost weight as my appetite failed to return to its former gusto. Again I was being ruled by emotions.

Some time went by and eventually I did a shoot with a dear friend. I thought I would really enjoy it and it would be just the boost I needed. Also I will admit it felt like the proverbial two finger salute to the ex boyfriend if I am being brutally honest here. Yet when I stood  in the mirror naked, I didnt see me looking back. I saw a thinner, slimmer somewhat broke girl staring back at me. I was lost and uncomfortable in my skin. The bumps and lumps were now smoother and yet I didnt love myself any more…just less.

I lost my weight for all the wrong reasons it dawned on me. I didnt lose it for health, I lost it because of heart break and self loathing. I didnt hate my fat body. I just hated the life I was leading. I hated the relationship I was in and the weightloss was actually a way of cleansing it from my system. As the pounds fell off I lost a little of the heart ache with it.

I stepped out onto set and despite wearing clothes, I felt more naked than I have ever been. I didnt feel connected to this new body shape. I felt odd and aloof from it. Nils (the photographer) instantly saw I was struggling and like a professional knew how to get the best out of me. I am so eternally grateful he did.

I did that photoshoot and felt pretty. Not beautiful. But pretty. Like a a good girl. Like a a real person. Like Emma- Lou and not the Khandie Khisses character I had spent so long being. It felt refreshing to actually capture myself. A lost girl finding her way with lots of laughter and great mate behind the camera to guide me.

When those images came back, I cried. Yes it is silly but I felt very awake, I felt like I was looking at me for the first time in a long time. There was no pouty pinup twee crap. There was a girl in a band tshirt with one of her beloved vintage camera. A woman in a bodysuit and glasses. There was me. The dork, the idiot and the girl with her heart finally mending.

I was able to laugh and realise that my weight/dress size didnt define me. It merely was a number.  A number I didnt need to worry about. My weight will go up and down I am sure but I needed to realise that I cant blame my size for not loving who I am. I need to blame myself for not realising how silly it is to hate a number.

I still feel awkward in my flesh. I have been the bigger girl for so long it is weird to be the slightly slimmer girl. Yes I am still a 14 but I am a very curvy 14. My waist has shrunk unbelievably and I feel lighter. One day I will feel more comfortable in being this size. One day I will. But right now I am getting used to it. Its only a small weight loss in the grand scheme of things but for me it was more about the journey of how I did it, why I did it and where it led me. I am proud to be plus size after all anything over a size 12 is classed as such. I am proud of people saying I inspire them but I want you to see yourself as the inspiration. I get a little closer to acceptance of my new self the more I realise its ok to be happy however I am as long as I am being me.

I have allowed stupid things and silly people take my confidence and throw it away. Not just the ex, the nasty trolls of the internet, the bitches in the street but also the little voice of insecurity in my own head. I have allowed it to ruin chances of being happy again and it is high time it stopped. Confidence is so hard to get back. Sometimes you have to be brutally honest, say what needs to be said and get back on that horse. Ride like the wind and you will find your own destination.

This is me finally being honest with myself…and now you.